Of Christmas Cheer and Biological Impossibilities
by sister socrates
Summary: A hella-intense and very cracktastic Christmas adventure, in which Estonia mourns his love life and Lithuania gives birth in an alley. Oh, and some other stuff happens too, I guess. AU.


**A/N: **_uhh... this is... sort of based on an outing with mine and my lovely best friend bagel's USSR cosplay family. and by sort of, i mean very very loosely, but also probably more than you'd realize. it's pretty bizarre. it usually is._

**Warning: **Out there be monsters. And crack. Lots and lots of crack. Also, Estonia brooding on abstract sculptures, and so-very-typical Lithuanian mpreg. The only kind of mpreg, if you ask me. Also, the same stupid AU where the nations live in Tennessee, because I said so.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of this. Himaruya gets all the credit for the poor little Eastern Europeans I have managed to exploit yet again. No profit was made from this. Just a lot of giggles. Can I go to sleep now?

* * *

Once upon a time in, not Soviet Russia, but Knoxville, Tennessee, a rather average family was having a rather average Christmas gathering at a delightful sandwich joint in Market Square. Presents were exchanged, very forced laughs were had, and a small Lithuanian man named Toris went to the bathroom several times, which was, of course, evidence that he was pregnant. _Again. _His cross-dressing boyfriend tried to overlook this small complication in their relationship, which was getting increasingly difficult as the pregnancy progressed.

But, anyway, that was a very silly tangent to go off on, because this is not a story that is predominantly about male pregnancy. This is a story about love. A story about heartbreak. A story about deceit. A story about _Christmas._ So yeah, where was I?

Presents were exchanged? I guess? Yeah, presents were exchanged. Raivis, a tiny Latvian boy with severe post traumatic stress disorder who was half-asleep on his large ham sandwich, got handcuffed to his scary, Russian superior for Christmas.

The scary Russian superior, known as Ivan, who was not afraid of anything, nearly pissed himself upon opening his gift from his little sister Natalia: a portrait of herself sitting on an old-fashioned barbeque in a stranger's backyard, placed precariously in a cheapass cracked frame from Target, and a matted lock of her hair. A very thoughtful gift indeed.

And everybody else got stuff too, but I don't feel like explaining it in great detail. Essentially, Natalia got a Christmas-themed hair accessory and a bottle of chloroform from Toris, Toris got a scarf that looked suspiciously like the Lithuanian flag from Feliks, Feliks got a vast array of headbands and a plastic pony from Eduard, Eduard got a very nice pair of mittens he later discarded in the back of Raivis's car from Katyusha, and Katyusha received a very nice bra from the Goodwill underwear bin, courtesy of Raivis.

These gifts were opened loudly while the rather average family of Braginsky chowed down at the groovy sandwich joint, obviously eating sandwiches, which are similar to potatoes in some way or another. Apparently. According to Katyusha.

So they ate and caused a public disturbance and stuff, and then the eclectic family was on their merry way to go to other things like getting mistaken for Christmas carolers and buying hot chocolate and whatnot. You know, stuff that just happens sometimes. Don't _you _ever get mistaken for a caroler when you're just taking a stroll?

And stroll they did. While strolling, Raivis paused briefly to stare wistfully across a bridge near the apartment of a certain recluse who shall remain nameless for personal safety reasons. He contemplated jumping in. He really did. It's not like anyone would miss him. If only he wasn't handcuffed to Ivan…

Since the party had paused for this contemplation of suicide, Feliks kind of ruined the atmosphere by taking the time to hike up his leggings. Katyusha was tempted to do the same, but she reasoned that hiking up her tights on a random street in the middle of the night was behaviour reserved largely for prostitutes. And crossdressing Polish boys, but she wasn't going to go there. Didn't want to step on any toes, of course. For a previously communist nation, she sure did want everyone to be able to express themselves in peace.

Once the wave of suicidal thoughts had passed, everyone slowly noticed that Eduard was nowhere to be found. He had been acting weird all night, and wouldn't talk to anyone, giving Toris the cold shoulder when he tried to make kind conversation. He hadn't uttered a word the entire evening, except during dinner, when Katyusha had forced him to put on his mittens so he wouldn't catch cold.

The reasoning behind the man's childish attitude was simple enough. Eduard was extremely sexually and emotionally frustrated over Ivan. He wanted them to live happily ever after, but Ivan was in a kind-of-sort-of relationship with a Hungarian woman residing in Nashville. They were going to see her the next day. And that just got Eduard bent out of shape.

Toris finally found him brooding on a random piece of abstract art on display in a patch of grass (it was, of course, a large abstract sculpture, and not a painting or something that he was sitting on). He wanted to talk to Eduard reasonably, to explain to him that Ivan still wanted to be friends (and by friends, Toris meant that Ivan still wanted to rape Eduard in the basement sometimes and use him to do his taxes), and that their lives could be lived in peace if he would just _grow up_. This didn't really go according to plan, however, considering Eduard's current state of romantic frustration and Toris's extremely out-of-whack hormones. Tears were shed. Few words were spoken, because Eduard is a gigantic asshole who is unappreciative of family and friendship and really expensive mittens.

Eventually, though, Eduard climbed off of the large piece of abstract art and Katyusha tried to keep them together as a family unit, getting their night back on track. But the emo Estonian was hellbent on ignoring everyone, and proceeded to stay several paces in front of everyone else, which was a-okay until the party was stopped in their tracks by a robust old man in a leather jacket, who was clearly amused by their ethnic garb.

"If I had my camera, I'd take your picture!" he announced all too loudly. "You guys are just dressed so creatively!"

"Thank you," Ivan answered as politely as a burly Russian guy handcuffed to a small Latvian boy can be. Which, isn't very, all things considered, but at least he was trying. Katyusha had taught him well about people skills.

"Wow, what an accent! Where are y'all from? Germany? Holland?"

"We are from Russia…" Ivan muttered back stoically, offended by the confusion.

"Actually, we're from Indiana," Raivis piped up. The Baltic States had been living in Indiana with Ivan for some time, and were on the brink of booting Eduard out of their apartment, but that was aside from the point.

Everyone glared at him incredulously.

"Actually, _you_ are from Indiana…" Natalia hissed.

"He is from Latvia," Ivan explained, then going around the group and introducing them all based upon nationality. The old man seemed quite impressed.

"Well, then! Welcome to America! Sprechen sie Deutsch!" he exclaimed excitedly, and then proceeded to _bow _to them. An extreme confusion of several different cultures. Ivan winced.

The man then proceeded to give them directions to Pigeon Forge and the Knoxville Zoo and other dumb touristy places they already knew about, but listened anyway, just to be polite.

Suddenly, the unthinkable happened, as it so often did.

Toris let out a scream and instinctively grabbed onto Feliks. Katyusha sighed, upset that they were going to have to go through with this on their annual family Christmas outing, and right in the middle of Gay Street, no less. How typical. He wasn't even behaving like he'd had X number of children already.

"Mama Ukraine!" he wailed, obviously pained.

"What is it, sweetheart?" Katyusha remained calm and composed, which was weird, because she was usually the one perpetually on the brink of tears, nervously flitting about and trying to make everyone happy. Oh, she would be in tears by the end of the procedure, but it was best to stay as calm for as long as she possibly could. Which wasn't very long, but she was trying. A for effort.

"I-I think my water broke!"

"Like, oh my _God," _Feliks moaned, totally unamused by the beginnings of childbirth happening right beside his arm. Totally gross, to the max.

What was standard procedure for the totally average Braginsky family obviously wasn't so standard for the weird old man who assumed they were run of the mill tourists, and he looked a bit like he was going to be sick. He took the moment to duck into J's Megamart, sorry for ever having stopped the party in the first place.

Taking whatever sharp objects her little brother had on his person, Katyusha shoved Toris into the alley next to the movie theatre, near where people park, and launched into a grotesque and highly ghetto birthing procedure we're not going to get into. Natalia bitched and moaned at her brother for getting Toris pregnant _again, _when it obviously should have been her giving birth in the alley. Feliks looked bored. Raivis retched. Eduard went to find another piece of abstract art to brood on silently.

And life proceeded around them as normal in downtown Knoxville, Ivan's towering exterior scaring off concerned onlookers.

After X amount of hours, Toris and Katyusha emerged from the alley with a seemingly-healthy newborn, which Ivan proceeded to snatch up and shove into the arms of a confused passerby before rushing his family off to the Market Square Garage and speeding out of Eduard's crappy parking space. He had to do _something _with it, since the basement housing the sweatshop of underprivileged Lithuanian children wasn't really close by.

And so, they rode off into the night, leaving Eduard to contemplate the mysteries of love and life on a shitty abstract sculpture in Krutch Park. He could walk home if he really wanted to. Or call his mom.

The end.


End file.
